Pull the Lever Already

Think Santa’s elves are busy? Bah. Shop Boy’s gotta really start cranking.

Got to get the materials ready for Iowa and New Hampshire.

See, as Mary’s surprise Christmas gift, I got her on the ballot for president of these United States of America. It wasn’t easy. All these rules and stuff, going door to door for signatures, the paperwork, and all the secrecy. We need to keep this out of the media as long as possible to keep Clinton, Obama, Romney and Giuliani from digging up dirt. (Watching you too, Huckabee.)

Mary and Shop Boy are going to spring a January surprise. Mark my words.

“Wait,” you ask, “what business does Mary Mashburn have being president of the U.S.A.?” Shop Boy asks back, “Who else is there?”

The Clintons burned us once. We’ve stopped thinking about tomorrow. (Yesterday’s still too fresh.) Giuliani’s too pugnacious and mean to have control of the nukes. The 9/11 thing looks good, but here’s what our foreign policy would sound like: “You talkin’ to me?” Obama’s got the Oprah albatross. Just … enough, you know, O? Romney’s going to be needed in China to fix those Olympics, too. Huckabee? No offense, but wouldn’t we giggle every time he was introduced? Edwards? Should have gotten his wife on the ballot. Fred Thompson? What’d Bush say about bad actors?

As for the elephant — or should we say donkey — in the living room, Al Gore is doing such a good job of not being president, you’d hate to see him mess that up.

So that leaves Mary.

Her platform? Since this is a surprise gift, let’s just say it’s evolving. And Shop Boy’s putting words in Mary’s mouth, but …

Iraq: Like it or not, we need to muck out George Bush’s stall. Shouldn’t be there, but can’t leave until we clean up our mess.

Economy: You want to be an American? Pay your taxes. That goes for the tycoons and rich churches, too. The rich will remain rich, the poor might eat tonight. I think Bill Maher said it pretty well: “If America’s richest one percent are now so rich that even a five-star hotel isn’t good enough, it’s time to bring back the guillotine.” Typecast Press’ guillotine is available. Won’t cut straight, but that’s not the point here.

Energy: Ethanol is stupid. It just puts off finding better alternatives by pumping cash into ridiculously wealthy farm/oil monopolies. It doesn’t force auto makers to improve cars. And it takes corn out of needy mouths. Ban SUVs and fix Amtrak instead.

Now, if you’ve been following along in this space, you know that Mary will keep the nation up way too late at night. (Shop Boy has “energy issues” all the time.) This will just give her more incentive to address the nation’s oil addiction.

Non-Iraq foreign policy: Don’t start none, there won’t be none.

We’ll save further specifics for the campaign trail. I mean, once I tell Mary she’s running and all. (Shhhh! Don’t spoil the surprise, OK?)

Oh, sure, we’ve got an uphill battle in “Cow Hampshire” and “the Snickers Salad State,” as Mary refers to our first two stops. And we’ve got to come up with a better slogan than “Mashburn 2008: She Rules!” Got a couple of days to work on it, though.

So, Shop Boy as first guy, huh? Don’t worry. Mary will keep me too busy in the printshop to get into any trouble. Of course we’re keeping Typecast Press going. It’s cool. It’s creative. It’s fun.

And Mary’s going to need a job when she’s through fixing America.

Besides, imagine how much an ex-president could charge to print your business cards.


Hey, by the way, check the “Ten Commandments of Holiday Entertaining” from Baltimore’s own Kitchen Goddess. Carve them in stone, people.

There’s a spot in Mary’s cabinet for her.

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One Response to “Pull the Lever Already”

  1. Doug Says:

    Bring back Amtrak? Wow, someone who thinks like me. My 2008 resolution is to take the train unless I am stuck on a transcontinental trip.

    I run across your blog every few months looking up things, for I, I suppose, am a shop boy as well. My significant other is a printer and art historian, and I always seem to end up helping on projects. I enjoy your writing, so don’t stop.

    We live in DC, so if I’m ever up in Baltimore, perhaps I can stop by. Good luck with those interns!

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